Jokes

JOKES


Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

Husband:  I want divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months.

Lawyer: Think about it once again. Wives like that  are hard to  get!

Boyfriend: Do you think my salary is sufficient for you?
Funny Girlfriend: It is sufficient for me, but how will you survive?

A French husband was returning home after cremating his wife.
He sees heavy lightning and thunderstorm in the sky.
Husband thinks: She must have reached there.

Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map. 
Maria: This is it. 
Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America? 
Class: Maria did. 

A: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman. 

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet. 

A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"

Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter? 
A: An envelope.

The First 3 Years of Marriage

• In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
• In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
• In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school.

"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home."

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.


Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.


If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.


Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.


I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"


Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.


Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

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Riddles of Alphabet (Charadas com o alfabeto)

Q: What letter of the alphabet is an insect? 

A: B. (bee)

Q: What letter is a part of the head?
A: I. (eye)

Q: What letter is a drink?
A: T. (tea)

Q: What letter is a body of water?
A: C. (sea)

Q: What letter is a pronoun like "you"?
A: The letter " I "

Q: What letter is a vegetable?
A: P. (pea)

Q: What letter is an exclamation?
A: O. (oh!)

Q: What letter is a European bird?
A: J. (Jay)

Q: What letter is looking for causes ?
A: Y. (why)

Q: What four letters frighten a thief?
A: O.I.C.U. (Oh I see you!)

Q: What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but not once in a thousand years?
A: The letter "m".

Q: Why is the letter "T" like an island ?
A: Because it is in the middle of waTer.

Q: In what way can the letter "A" help a deaf lady?
A: It can make "her" "hear.

Q: Which is the loudest vowel?
A: The letter "I". It is always in the midst of noise

Q: What way are the letter "A" and "noon" alike?
A: Both of them are in the middle of the "day".

Q: Why is "U" the happiest letter?
A: Because it is in the middle of "fun".

Q: What word of only three syllables contains 26 letters?
A: Alphabet = (26 letters)

Q: What relatives are dependent on "you"?
A: Aunt, uncle, cousin. They all need "U".

Q: What is the end of everything?
A: The letter "g".

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Tongue-Twisters (trava-línguas)

Ao contrário do que se pensa, os trava-línguas não são apenas para diversão linguística e jogos. Eles têm um propósito prático que é melhorar a pronúncia. Tongue-Twisters são geralmente usados por estudantes estrangeiros de inglês com a intenção de melhorar o sotaque, também atores que precisam melhorar a dicção e por fonoaudiólogos,  para ajudar aqueles com dificuldades na fala.


Abaixo segue uma lista com os mais famosos  Tongue-Twisters. Leia em voz alta e o mais rápido que puder. Sem errar, é claro!  - HAVE FUN!!!

1. A big bug bit a bold bald bear on the bum and the bold bald bear bled blood badly.

2. Betty bought some butter but the butter was bitter so Betty bought some other butter to make the bitter butter better.

3. Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons -- Balancing them badly.

4. Can you can a canned can into an uncanned can like a canner can can a canned can into an uncanned can?

5. Which wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches?

6. I am a mother pheasant plucker. I pluck mother pheasants. I am the most pleasant mother pheasant plucker who ever plucked mother pheasants.

7. I'm not the sheet slitter, I'm the sheet slitter's son. But I'll slit sheets till the sheet slitter comes.

8. Blue Leather, Pink Leather (3x Fast)

9. Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers (3x Fast)

10. Sunshine City (0x Fast)

11. If you must cross a coarse cross cow across a crowded cow crossing, cross the cross coarse cow across the crowded cow crossing carefully.

12. Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.

13. Six swift Swiss ships swiftly shift.

14. There are two minutes difference from four to two to two to two, from two to two to two, too.

15. Does the rapid rabid rabbit wrap it?

16. The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick. (This is the World's Hardest Tongue Twister, according to Guinness World Records.)^{[citation needed]}

17. She sells sea shells by the sea shore.

18. Unique New York Unique New York You know you need Unique New York

19. Give Papa a proper cup of coffee in a proper copper coffee cup.

20. How can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? A woodchuck would chuck as wood as a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

21. I shot the city sheriff with the city sheriff's gun. (3 times fast)

22. Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, how many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?

23. Two tall boys, Take two ties, To tie two poles, To two tall trees.

24. Exit Edit Text (a command in Microsoft PowerPoint)

See ya!


Inscreva-se e receba as dicas em seu e-mail !

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Fatos interessantes

1. Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.

2. Pearls melt in vinegar.

3. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

4. It's possible to lead a cow upstairs, but not downstairs.

5. Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.

6. The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western Union to test telex/two communications.)

7. The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable."

8. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

9. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

10. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

11. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

12. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

13. The name "Jeep" came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.

14. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

15. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

16. If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.

17. Snails can sleep for three years without eating.

18. Any month that begins on a Sunday will always have a Friday the 13th.

19. The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

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Os produtos anti-stress mais ridículos

Tá estressado? Que pescar que nada!

A CNN preparou uma lista com os 25 produtos anti-stress mais ridículos. Travesseiro com formato do joelho da namorada, leite de vaca tirado de madrugada, bolsa térmica em forma de gato... hehehe... mas acredite, 98% do usuários aprovam esses produtos. Então, dê uma  olhada na lista e escolha o seu favorito!

The 25 most ridiculous stress relief products

I liked this

Surprise, surprise: Asia’s stress levels are the highest in the world, says a 2006 survey of business leaders. Many of these worrywarts have long since turned to oddball products that supposedly relieve anxiety. We can’t vouch for any of these gizmos, but they’re amusing as travel gifts and might elicit a few laughs. After all, isn’t that the best medicine for a rough week?

1. Glug away your troubles with Adult Milk

Put away the whiskey. Japanese workaholics can now decompress with a glass of Adult Milk. The liquid is collected and bottled at dawn because cows release large amounts of the stress-relieving hormone melatonin overnight. Each bottle costs ¥5,000, about 30 times as much as ordinary milk, at Nakazawa Foods.

2. Lay your head on your pillow girlfriend’s knee

After a long day, there’s nothing like resting your head in the lap of a bodacious woman. Even if she’s made of foam and missing the top half of her body. Take home a Girlfriend Knee Pillow (Hiza Makura) for US$98 from JList.

3. Burst a never-ending supply of bubble wrap

Popping bubble wrap takes the tension out of your shoulders -- until you run out of material, and that leaves you even more frustrated. This keychain device mimics the experience, letting you “Puchi Puchi” until the cows come home. US$12.50 at JList; comes in various colors.

4. Snuggle a hot water bottle cat

Nyantomo is a somewhat-realistic-looking cat with a hot water bottle in his belly. He’ll keep you warm for up to eight hours, with no risk of allergies or scratches. US$126 at Japan Trend Shop.

5. Yell into a vase

When stress hits, put your lips to Sakebi no Tsufu and scream your lungs out. The vase absorbs the sound, so your boss won’t hear your expletive-ridden grievances. Nab one for ¥4,980 on Amazon Japan.

6. Smash plates against a wall

Ever wish you could throw dinner plates across the room? The Venting Place in Akihabara, Tokyo lets you do exactly that. Blogger Michael Beddall reports, “You can get three small dishes for ¥500, a medium sized plate for ¥500, a big platter for ¥1,000.”

7. Rub your head with a flower arranger

Torture device or scalp massager? The latter. It’s inspired by kenzan, a holder used in Japanese flower arrangement. US$49 from Japan Trend Shop.

8. Squeeze an alien until his maggots pop out

When you clench E.T. in your fist, green goopy maggots burst out of his eye sockets. Instant relief. A pack of two costs US$4.23 at DealExtreme.

9. Fondle a rubber breast or feces rocket

Reviewer E_Man says: “They squish like stress relievers should, and they have a stand. As a bonus, one is shaped like a boob, and boobs are cool. The other is poop, and poop is funny and cool.” US$4.86 at DealExtreme.

10. Massage your digits with a roller device

The Yubi Lax Germa is no regular finger-massager. It’s built with germanium, a mineral that warms up the roller as you drag it over your digits. ¥945 from Mantensha.

11. Swim with a Zen Dolphin

The Zen Dolphin swims in a sea of blue light, accompanied by soothing ocean sounds. Gazing at it will clear your mind. Or something. US$42.99 at Cool Stuff Express.

12. Pull on pressure point socks

These cute socks have latex pads that stimulate pressure points in your feet and drain your worries away. US$44 a pair from Japan Trend Shop.

13. Punch a pink simulacrum of your ex

Ever had the urge to slap your ex-boyfriend silly? Slip his photo into the blow-up Smack Him doll and let your fists fly. Yours for US$25.95 at ShopWiki.

14. Rest your head on disembodied hands

Laying your head in these creepy foam hands will purportedly ease your neck strain. US$52 from Japan Trend Shop.

15. Electronically erase your stress

The StressEraser is a portable biofeedback device that trains you to synchronize your breaths to your natural heartbeat. Exhaling at the triangle symbol will supposedly trigger your body’s natural relaxation response. Try one out for US$119 from Stress Eraser.

16. Slip on a scalp-massaging helmet

What lies beneath this oversized bike helmet: calming sounds, rotating acupressure balls, temperature controls and LED lighting. Contact Korea’s Headtime for this dystopian device.

17. Hang out on a levitating lounge chair

The Personal Rockin’ Computer gently swings back and forth while you dally on your laptop. Retails for US$4,082 from a Swedish web site -- and no, the beautiful woman is not included.

18. Wring out your worries on your purse

Diridonica’s De Stress handbag collection has squeezable surfaces you can channel your negative energy into. The Ducklings one is US$246.77.

19. Hit a red button and blow up your workspace

When you smack the USB Panic Button, your computer simulates an explosion, pulls up a face for punching, or displays a spreadsheet so you can pretend you’re working hard. US$16 from USB Geek.

20. Get a tentacle massage from a cute octopus

The octopus’s tentacles vibrate at the push of a button, melting the tension from your muscles. £5.89 from FH Shop.

21. Sooth your strains with bamboo charcoal

As early as the Ming Dynasty, the Chinese have been using bamboo charcoal as a revitalization aid. The material emits oxygen and negative ions, while absorbing impurities in the air. C60 Bamboo sells various products, including a box of stalks for US$24.95 from c60bamboo.

22. Coo a robot chick

Sega invented a lifelike motorized baby chicken that chirps and flaps its wings when petted. Aww. Pick up a Dream Chick for US$26.90 from Brando.

23. Slap on a stress relief patch

Herbal patches made with “a centuries-old tried and true formula designed to relax.” Stick one on your wrist over an acupuncture point and hope for the best. Twelve for US$24.95 from Stress Relief Patches.

24. Slip on an exfoliating slipper

Baby Foot’s disposable slippers are lined with a soothing gel that treats your tired feet, eventually causing the outer layer to peel off. The results posted in this gallery are impressive, if slightly disturbing. Around ¥2,000 a box. Purchase here.

25. Spit on a stress detector

There’s an easy way to check your anxiety levels: lob a loogie onto the Nipro Cocoro Meter. It measures the amount of amylase, an enzyme that increases with stress, and expresses the results via a cute stick figure. ¥25,000 from Rakuten.

Tags: relax Asia, Japanese products

Fonte: www.cnngo.com

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Placas engraçadas

Take a look at these Funny Signs.
Que criatividade, hein!

      

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Have Fun: The Italian who went to New York

(must be read with Italian accent)

One day imma gonna Nuyok to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want to piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand I wanna to piss onma plate. She say you better no piss onma plate you sonna ma bitch. I don´t even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

Later I go to eat the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say you better no fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits on my bed. Call the manager tella him I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.

I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you!" - I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy!

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Have Fun! - Number Games

Você se lembra daquela "mágica":
"Pense em um número, adicione 1, divida por 2, multiplique por 3..., o resultado é ...!" e a pessoa sempre acerta o resultado ou o número que pensamos! Que coisa, como pode?! Então, agora você pode brincar em inglês e com o truque no final:

Conheço 2 maneiras:

1)    a) Think  of a number and remember  it!       Example: 5
       b) Don´t tell me what it is.
       c) Subtract  1.                                               5 - 1 = 4
       d) Double the result.                                      4 x 2 = 8
       e) Add the first number you thought of.        8 + 5 = 13
       f)  Now add 2.                                          13 + 2 = 15
       g) Then divide by 3.                                      15 / 3 = 5

The result is the number you first thought of. (O resultado é sempre o núm. que você pensou no início)

2)  a) Think of a number and remember it!            Example: 6
      b) Add its successor (the number after it)        6 + 7 = 13
      c) Add nine.                                                 13 + 9 = 22
      d) Divide by 2                                               22 / 2 = 11
      e) Subtract your original number.                     11 - 6 = 5

The result is 5. (The result is always 5)

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