Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
Husband: I want divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months.
Lawyer: Think about it once again. Wives like that are hard to get!
Boyfriend: Do you think my salary is sufficient for you?
Funny Girlfriend: It is sufficient for me, but how will you survive?
A French husband was returning home after cremating his wife.
He sees heavy lightning and thunderstorm in the sky.
Husband thinks: She must have reached there.
Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.
Maria: This is it.
Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?
Class: Maria did.
A: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"
Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?
A: An envelope.
The First 3 Years of Marriage
- In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
- In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
- In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home."
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
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